Our second favorite cousin (his wife is TMBWitW’s most favoritest) sent this first batch:

I encourage you all to print these out and post them in a convenient spot in your homes.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of scalding water down your throat. PRESTO! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and it does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

In a related vein, SFC also sent this a while back, about a new element:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

And, to close off Twisted Tuesday, please enjoy this daily thought:

Some people are like Slinkys^® - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Thank you for stopping by, In GOD We Trust, God bless you all, Time, Inc. is a bunch of weasels, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

It’s time once again for a quick word from my cousin (actually, he’s my wife’s cousin, but I’ve claimed him as mine, too. I’m cool like that.)

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak….

“When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me… The only thing that would comfort was this verse………

‘Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
We are weak but He is strong…..
Yes, Jesus loves me…
The Bible tells me so.’”

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don’t believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated, “I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children’s hymn ‘Jesus Loves Me’ (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best.”

Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For those of us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out the “Senior Version” of Jesus Loves Me:

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.

(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
‘Have no fear, for I am near.’

(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love

(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)

Thank you for stopping by, In GOD We Trust, God bless you all, Time, Inc. is a bunch of weasels, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

Saw this over at Texas Fred’s place and thought I would share it with you. He got it from a neighbor and fellow gun-owner, and wanted to pass it on to all of us:

The purpose of fighting is to win.
There is no possible victory in defense.
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.
The final weapon is the brain.
All else is supplemental.

1. Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him “Why do you carry a 45?”
The Ranger responded, “Because they don’t make a 46.”
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. “Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?”
“No Ma’am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.”
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there’s more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.

She said “Well I certainly hope it isn’t loaded!”

To which I said, “Of course it is loaded, can’t work without bullets!”

She then asked, “Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?”

My reply was, “No, not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.”

To which I’ll add, having a gun in the house that isn’t loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

I’m a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment! If you are too, please pass this around.

Remember - never advertise how well armed you are, or how well trained your dogs are. Let it be a surprise.

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, Time, Inc. is a bunch of weasels, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

So, I re-read yesterday’s entry. Up at the top, where I was laying out the plan of the morning?

Yeah, forgot to mention that the snooze button got all the miles, instead of the bike. And then again, this morning. I am never going to get an exercise plan going as long as I stay up late and have a snooze button.

Someplace along the way I also wrote a guest post for My Point regarding the Mexican Nationals that have been attacking here in Phoenix. (so far, they have only been attacking drug/drop houses, we’ll see how long that holds true)

Today is MEG’s 18-month visit. I cannot believe how fast time is flying. Luckily, we have pictures.

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, Time, Inc. is a bunch of weasels, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

Maybe this will help get past all the issues:

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

After yesterday’s blog-war with people closely aligned sniping at each other instead of taking potshots at the liberals, I though we could all use a chuckle, courtesy of my cousin:

Engineering Question of the Day

Q: How much does a house weigh?

A: Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can support, apparently:

“Nice view of the creek, there, Cletus.”

“Tough approach to the garage, though.”

Don’t forget to tune in tomorrow morning to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio at 0700 Mountain Standard Time. Call in number is (347) 838-9573, or join the chat room!

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.”

Just thought I would share this bit of wisdom from my friend.

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

This Friday on The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, I will be running down a Blog Roll “Call”, talking about the blogs that I follow on a fairly regular basis. Do you have favorites? Call in, let me know: (347) 838-9573, Friday morning at 0700 Mountain Standard Time (I live in Arizona, we don’t “do” Daylight Savings Time).

I have got to get this off my chest. There are certain people who are either totally oblivious or really, really cocky - and they cross the streets of Phoenix as pedestrians. There was a lady this morning who crossed in front of me as I approached a green light. No, she wasn’t in the cross walk - my goodness, that was another ten feet down the street! She was crossing AGAINST THE LIGHT outside of the crosswalk. I should have hit her, just to challenge the stupid law that says ALL pedestrians have the right of way. I think it should be RESPONSIBLY ACTING pedestrians have the right of way - the ones who use the crosswalk, cross with the light, wait for traffic to clear, etc. This stepping off in the middle of the street in front of traffic might fly where you come from, but around here you might not make it to the center line next time. There are certain laws that you cannot get away with breaking - and the Law of Common Sense is one of them.

TMBWitW sent me this news article - and, since she works at the paper, I have no reason to have to “research” it for it’s veracity - after all, it came from someone who works at the paper!

Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also
a raw beauty, and even a certain justice
manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate
predators, normally considered the ‘apex
predator’, can still fall victim to implemented
‘team work’ strategy, made possible due to
the tight knit social structure and ’survival
of the pack mentality’ bred into the canines.
(See the remarkable photograph below
courtesy of Nature Magazine.)

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold
on the gator preventing it from breathing,
while another dog has a hold on the tail to
keep it from thrashing. The third dog
attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

This is not for the squeamish, so please
take care when viewing the image.

So - how is your week going?

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

This Wednesday funny is brought to you by my cousin, J, who got it from his brother, T, who is an active-duty LT in the Navy. T, thank you for your service and your sense of humor.

Gotta love Texans…
So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The Water representative says, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

“Your card! Show him your card!”

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!

My cousin, the one who sent me last Friday’s funny, sent me this one this week:

=+=+=+=

What? Too many shakes?

UPS - 1, FedEx - 0

Just one - that’s all I ask - just let me touch one of them…

Hmmm, let’s try spelling first, and then move on to more complicated subjects…

I think it was the FedEx driver:

This wouldn’t happen to be by the school that teaches Arithetic, would it?

Sometimes, a name change would be a good idea…

Hey, take me to the cleaners!

Don’t rush me - this is a very important decision…

Turns out I can’t there from here, anyway.

Little known fact: CMT’s new series, My Redneck Wedding, was inspired by this sign:

Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Blessings! Oh, the College Tuition!

Uhm, logic check, lane one …

Actually, kind of a relief, wouldn’t you say?

Take two languages, both with idiosyncrasies, idioms, and a tricky sentence structure, and mix goodly:

The cow jumped over the what?

Hay, Martha! Feed ‘em some burritos, and let’s go!

I think I know what happened to Mr. FedEx here…

Oh, the shame of not knowing how to react…

I - I - I just don’t know what to say here…

Grass? What grass? Oh, I get it - it’s one of those preachy, “artsy-fartsy” anti-drug messages, man…

Now, I don’t feel so bad for failing physics…

Now hiring for what? Short term employment?

Don’t drink and make road signs, you mean…

It must have been the FedEx driver!

=+=+=+=
Have a safe weekend, and come back soon!

Thank you for stopping by, God bless you all, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!