Yes, I said cab rider – because some people missed the classes, and they all seem to end up riding with me at one point in time or another:

Rule Number One: NEVER – no, ALWAYS speak in a clear voice. This includes the initial call to the cab company requesting a cab (see rule number three down the page a bit), and when you get in the cab to tell the driver where you are going.

Rule Number Two: ALWAYS acknowledge the existence of the human being who is driving the cab. That is the minimum requirement. The cabbie should be greeting you in a cheerful voice, genuinely happy to see you in the back of the cab – hey, you are the money! Please be gracious enough to return the greeting, even if you have to fake it. We can take a hint, and will not bother you again until it’s time for you to exit the cab.

Rule Number Three: COMMUNICATION is vital. The more information the cab company and the cab driver have, the better your experience with the cab company and the driver will be. Pouring yourself into the back seat and slurring the directions home is a sure way to get a couple extra laps around the town square while you sleep off some of your buzz. We know the area – we have map books for the parts we aren’t sure about – give us an exact address and we will make sure you get home safe, happy, and as inexpensively as possible. When you call the cab company, don’t be irritated at all the question you are being asked. We’re trying to make sure you have an optimally safe ride, and that you will want us to drive you again, in the future.

Rule Number Four: TIP YOUR DRIVER. The minimum tip is 15% or one dollar, whichever is greater. Do not, under any circumstance, hand us just enough to cover the fare (for example, if the meter is $4.70, and you hand us a five) and tell us to “keep the change!” Odds are, you will be given your exact change and told that you need it more than we do. If you cannot tip a minimum of 15% on top of the meter, pay us the meter and whatever else, and say “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to have enough for a proper tip.” We will pretend you mean well, and we won’t sling too much gravel at you as we leave. (by the way, a dollar a bag on top of the 15% is customary. really. ask the skycap next time you are at the airport, or the bell hop next time you are at the hotel.)

Rule Number Two (A): Now that you know how others tip us, do not be too shocked if you should happen to detect a bit of faking on our part – hey, we just got a 30 cent tip on a $4.70 meter! I gotta run to the bank and get that deposited, to take advantage of an extra day’s interest! (in case you are wondering, the minimum tip on a $4.70 meter is about 70 cents. a buck-thirty would go a long way toward cementing your place in my hall of fame. that minimum is if i honk as i pull up and wait until you are fully in the vehicle before dropping the flag and gassing it. if i get out, help you load your luggage or groceries, hold the door for you, make sure you are seated before closing said door, and wait until we are on the street before dropping the flag, i think a thicker tip would be in line – but that’s just me.) (true story – i had one customer who had a $4.45 meter, gave me four singles and two quarters, and waited for the nickel back. i told her while it might say driver only carries $10.00 in change, it doesn’t mean that it’s in change. she was very upset with me. i decided she could unload her own groceries.)

OK – I feel much better now.

Hey – you know what you get when you give a stripper a ride home?

A bunch of singles…

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