First, be sure to drive home through Phoenix area traffic. If Phoenix area traffic is not available, try hitting yourself in the head with a full water bottle several times, until your blood pressure is up and your tolerance for incompetence is way down.

Next, go to redbox.com and find your closest kiosk. One outside of a Circle K is probably the best choice here, especially if it is the closest one and nearly two miles away.

Third, look for two movies that your daughter and your wife (substitute appropriate significant other/offspring wording here) would really like to see, especially since you all missed them while they were in the theaters.

Make the reservation online. Ensure that the card number, name, and billing address all match up, so there will be no issues with the authorization.

Wait for the confirmation e-mail (this will only take a few seconds, as they are very fast in the charging your card/sending you an email department[s]) that looks something like this:

Thank you for using redbox!
Reservation Details
Reserved For: carycartterATgmail.com
Payment Card: Visa ….xxxx
Date: 7/9/2011 8:43:37 PM
You successfully reserved your rental(s). Your disc(s) will be waiting for you until 9:00 PM on 7/10/2011 at the redbox you selected:
Circle K
6972 N 83Rd Ave
Glendale, AZ 85303-2758

IMPORTANT! Please remember to bring the credit card you used to make your reservation when you pick up your disc(s)! After 9:00 PM on 7/10/2011 the disc(s) will be made available for other customers to rent, and your account will be charged $2.2 + tax where applicable.

“Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore”

“Gnomeo and Juliet”

Notice that the time is stamped an hour ahead of my actual time – in other words, the online thinks that Arizona is on Mountain Daylight Time. Also notice that they will be charging the account $2.20 plus tax – this is important.

Step number – uhm, well, the next – drive to the kiosk. (since I arrived just before 8:00 pm MST, I figured this should be a slamdunk.) Tap the screen of kiosk “A” to indicate you are picking up an online reservation. Act surprised when, after swiping the card you used to make the reservation, you are told that no reservation is on file. Try the card again, just in case. Move to the second kiosk (“B”) and attempt the reservation pickup again. Be rejected again. Call the toll free number to find out what happened (866-redbox3, or 866-733-2693). Talk to the nice young man (hi Ed – this isn’t about you, and I apologize if I came across a little annoyed or out of sorts) who tells you he cannot reverse the charge on your card, but would be happy to give you two promo codes good for one free rental each. Since you do not have anything to write on or with, accept his offer to have the codes sent to your e-mail account. Confirm the email account.

Drive home. Turn your computer on, log into your email, and be very happy to see an email from redbox with the two codes enclosed:

Hello CARY,

Per our conversation, please accept the following promo codes. The codes are each valued at $1 off the initial night rental fee of any Video Game, DVD, or Blu-ray of your choice. The codes are valid for 45 days from today’s date. The codes are:

Look at that line again: “…each valued at $1 off …”

Redial the redbox help line. (hi Joe – again, this isn’t about you, either, and I repeat my apology.) Since they are very busy right now, the young man is unable to get his supervisor on the line, but he has never heard of the promo codes not covering the full cost of the rental. (I never did get around to pointing out that even if the rental was fully covered in spite of the ten cent difference per disk, I would be paying the tax twice for the same rental.) I ask for a refund of the charges instead of taking the chance of having to pay twice, even for a small portion of the rental fee. Joe assures me he has reversed the charges, and apologizes profusely for my inconvenience. He also tells me the codes would still be valid. I assure him, in return, that the customer service was fine, but the customer experience left a lot to be desired. I also assured him the codes would go unused, as redbox has managed to lose a customer in the space of less than thirty minutes.

Pity, really, as there is no viable option for convenient movie rental at such a low cost.

Yes, I am tweeting this.

Chat ya later…