Twisted Tuesday
August 5th, 2008 . by CaryOur second favorite cousin (his wife is TMBWitW’s most favoritest) sent this first batch:
I encourage you all to print these out and post them in a convenient spot in your homes.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of scalding water down your throat. PRESTO! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and it does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
In a related vein, SFC also sent this a while back, about a new element:
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
And, to close off Twisted Tuesday, please enjoy this daily thought:
Some people are like Slinkys® – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Thank you for stopping by, In GOD We Trust, God bless you all, Time, Inc. is a bunch of weasels, listen to The O Word on BlogTalkRadio, Wear Red on Fridays, and support Warriors for Innocence!
In case anyone is wondering, I did not have any PARTICULAR PhD professor of Political Science at a 5th rate community college in Southern California in mind when I shared the daily thought…
I particularly like #3 and the Slinky allusion.
BZ
#3 seems to be a favorite with most of the guys I’ve spoken with.
Glad you enjoyed it!
The slinky one is a classic!!!!!!
Gotta love the classics…
The sink? The SINK? Where’s my knife……..
Funny!
P.S. Please excuse the above comment, Sir.
(mental note – clean the sink before inviting loon over for dinner…)
I liked 1 and 5 but I’ll be recommending # 6 to all that I think deserve it.
Just be glad that I’m not God! Hip boots would not be enough. Especially with the libs controlling our schools,
Those are good ones, p1.
Hip boots – now, that’s funny!
tee-hee!
Governmentium (Gv)
Obamanium (Ob)
Mccaniun (Mc)
Now as all good physicists know, Ob robs electrons from Mccaniun forcing Gv to combine into a very heavy and unstable element. The half life of this unstable element is four years or until impeachment occurs which causes the annihilation of the electrons robbed from Mccanium producting paired photons and a bright light leading the way to back from the brink of distruction.
ObGv, a very heavy and unstable compound
Bravo, Samantha! Good chemistry there…