Normally speaking, I am not one to be “dared” into anything. Let’s face it, I’m too old, and experience (while painful) has taught me to be much more discerning than a certain young man had been in the past. That’s why I no longer jump at the chance to bust fresh powder on any mountain, no matter how much I want to. It’s also why I no longer even try to think that I can climb onto any piece of livestock that has a riding rig on it for the first time ever. Broken bones, long healed, have a way of reminding you to slow down and take it easy.

Luckily, this latest dare is not as physically challenging as the previously mentioned ones could be. You see, my good friend Gawfer just went on vacation and stopped by the factory of my favorite snack food. He picked up two gifts for me. The first, a bag of Belly Flops, is slowly being worked through. (Belly Flops, for the uninitiated, are Jelly Bellys that were rejected by quality control – for cosmetic reasons, or because they are stuck to one another. I can’t taste any difference, so the bag was welcome in my candy dish.)

The other gift:

A box of 1^st edition Bean Boozled Jelly Beans. The label carries the caution, “Contains Weird & Wild Flavors.”

The back of the box illustrates the different appearances of the beans inside, along with the flavors associated with the beans:

Here’s the tricky part. From top to bottom and left to right, there are pairs of beans. They are the same color. The flavor descriptions underneath are … not the same. The two black beans are Skunk Spray and Licorice. Moving left to right, you then have Pencil Shavings and Top Banana, Rotten Egg and Buttered Popcorn, Toothpaste and Berry Blue, Ear Wax and Café Latte, Vomit and Peach, Booger and Juicy Pear, Moldy Cheese and Caramel Corn, Baby Wipes and Coconut, Black Pepper and Plum.

Empty out the box – time to sort them out.

When I sent Gawfer a note thanking him for the Bellys, I mentioned that I may not be trying the Bean Boozled any too soon. He wrote back and said Loon had told him that I would, for sure, try them, to uphold the Marine Corps tradition of fearlessness and leadership. Or words to that effect. Well, you can triple dog dare me all day long, I’m not budging. But if you dare impugn the Marine Corps, then just stand by.

I got them sorted into eleven groups, and a twelfth group of orphans.

Starting at the twelve-o’clock position, we have Black Pepper/Plum, Booger/Juicy Pear, Ear Wax/Café Latte, Skunk Spray/Licorice, Baby Wipes/Coconut, Unknown 1, Toothpaste/Blue Berry, Vomit/Peach, Moldy Cheese/Caramel Corn, Pencil Shavings/Top Banana, Unknown 2, and the three orphans Rotten Egg/Buttered Popcorn (hey, 50-50 odds!), Orange Unknown 3, and Gray Unknown 4.

Wait a minute – there are only ten flavor-pairs mentioned on the back of the box, and I have thirteen total flavors to try. This should be fun.

Since I do not enjoy Licorice or Coconut, I figured I would give those two groups first and second shot respectively.

Licorice group: first one is licorice. (remind me to tell you about why I don’t like black licorice). Second is Skunk Spray. Oh, yuck. A swig of The Real Thing and I’m moving on through the group. Number three is licorice. I am suddenly liking licorice more than I did before starting this adventure. Fourth – Thank Goodness, it’s licorice. Cleanse with TRT.

Coconut group: first one is Baby Wipes. The flavor took a minute to move in, and at first I thought I had gotten lucky. Nope. Not as full as the Skunk Spray, but not Coconut either. Second bean is also Baby Wipes. So is the third bean. The fourth is a very strong Coconut. I actually had hoped I would not have any Coconuts, but there you have it. Cleanse with TRT.

OK, might as well start back at the top of the clock. Plum group: black pepper (about as much as you could stand to grind straight into your mouth from the mill) and a swig of TRT. Black Pepper again. More TRT. Plum! Yay! The final bean of this group is Black Pepper. More TRT. Someone in packaging has a sense of humor. Cleanse with TRT. I need another can.

Juicy Pear: Pear, Booger, Booger. Ew. Cleanse with lots of TRT.

Café Latte: Ear Wax, Ear Wax, Ear Wax, Ear Wax, Café Latte. Wonderful. More TRT.

Unknown 1: Not sure what they were supposed to be. The both tasted the same, but it was not a pleasant taste that you would want a whole bag of. Sort of a dry and dusty yet sticky taste, kind of like bee’s wax that had dried out from sitting in the attic too long. Cleanse with … you get the idea.

Blue Berry: Blue Berry, Blue Berry, Toothpaste (a strong one, like Colgate Mint), Blue Berry, Blue Berry, Blue Berry. (note to self – do not drink Coke after brushing your teeth.)

Peach: Peach. Peach. Vomit. Oh, my gosh. This is worse than Skunk Spray. More Real Thing. Not enough. More! Two beans left in the group. Another Vomit. Uggh. Last one is also a Vomit. Man, this is enough to go to Canada and hunt down a certain bird. Drain the second can of Coke.

Caramel Corn: the first bean brings sweet memories of the county fair, and the many local events in downtown Glendale. The second bean makes me wish I had stopped at the first bean. (TRT) The last bean is also Moldy Cheese. Not a pleasant taste.

Top Banana: Banana, Pencil Shavings (even the hint of graphite dust), Banana, Pencil Shavings, Banana. At least that group began and ended well.

Unknown 2: Again, the first one is not a describable taste – kind of – ew, it just came in as I was typing. Rotten Egg. The color is not the same as on the box. The second is also Rotten Egg. I wonder…

Buttered Popcorn Orphan: Ugh. Rotten Egg.

Orange Unknown 3: Vomit. This is so not fair.

Gray Unknown 4: (and believe me when I tell you that the end of this taste test did not come soon enough) Café Latte! Again, the colors threw me off a bit in the grouping.

I gotta tell you, the Jelly Belly company is a very creative place. I swear by their (normal) product, and the Flops are not bad at all. I will, however, have to draw the line on the Bean Boozled ever again. In fact, if I never see another box of Bean Boozled it will be too soon.

Gawfer, thanks again for the gifts. As gross as some of the “off” flavors were, it is still a joy to have Jelly Bellys in the house. Loon, just stand by. It’s a good thing we’re friends.

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