How to ensure a spot in my heart for you:

1) Cross the street in the middle of the block. At night. Wearing dark clothing.
2) Hit a dog and don’t slow down – weave a bit; the dog will eventually roll free.
3) Explode in a rage of fury – cursing and flailing, in the middle of a department store – at your 1 year old child.
4) Wear clothing that would be considered perfect – by a stripper in the middle of her act.
5) Or that would look too big on an elephant.
6) Communicate using words and phrases that only you understand, since you made them up this morning, and then get upset because I can’t tell you where the frizzle frazzle is jizzle.
7) Communicate using obscene language, especially the “F” bomb every other word.
8) Communicate in the language from your home country, get upset when no one is able to communicate back, and then raise such a stink that the entire government capitulates and starts publishing everything in your language. You want everything printed in your language? Go to the country where everything is printed in that language. If you want to stay/live/work in the US, learn English.
9) Publicly blame your background/upbringing/parents/economic status for your actions. Never accept that what you have reaped is exactly what you have sown.

Can you tell I am not happy with today’s conventions? Whatever happened to personal responsibility, and pride in your appearance? Whatever happened to being afraid to jaywalk, much less break any other law, because if the cops didn’t get you your mother would? Does the phrase “Wait ’til your father gets home” have any meaning anymore? It used to scare the bad out of me real quick. Why do some people expect respect when they don’t give any – to their peers, their followers, their elders, their parents, their teachers, or even themselves?

My mother used to tell us all the time – “You won’t get along with anyone until you can get along with the person in the mirror.” If you didn’t respect yourself, you wouldn’t respect others. If you had no regard for your own life, you would have no regard for anyone (or anything) else’s life.

My pastor gave me a piece of advice that I’ve been incorporating in my everyday life, whenever I see something endearing: “People are retarded. That’s the only explanation.”

He may be on to something.