I have been told that the explanation for many of the moves pulled off by other drivers on the road can be attributed to their retardation. They aren’t stupid, their brains just don’t work like most people’s.

Like the guy at the traffic light the other morning. I was waiting for the northbound traffic to clear, so I could make my left hand turn onto Indian School Road from 67th Ave., and the guy was (I thought) waiting for southbound to clear so he could turn onto west bound Indian School. Well, as it turned out, he was just lost. Silly me, seeing this guy sitting in the left turn lane with his left turn signal on, I assumed that he would be turning left. As soon as the northbound traffic cleared, I started my turn – and slammed on the brakes, because doofus cancelled his turn signal and gunned it northbound. Oddly enough, he looked at me like I was in the wrong place.

This guy’s cousin, or brother perhaps, rides a bicycle in the industrial area that I drive through to get to work. How do I know? The street that I use, Clarendon, runs east/west and has no stop signs until 35th Ave. Doofus’ cousin, Dorkus, came south in the predawn darkness on another morning from a cross street that DOES have stop signs and I barely caught sight of him – again, I slammed my brakes, because I really don’t want to hassle with the paperwork – and he wobbles by while acting like he had the right of way. Never mind that he had to swerve around the guy waiting at the stop sign in order to be at that place at that time – and the drivers of the two vehicles on the cross street, waiting at the stop signs, were shaking their heads in wonderment.

Doofus and Dorkus have a cousin in California (I know, it’s more like an entire family, but this one particular guy…) named Dorfus. One evening, leaving the strip mall behind Islands (best burgers in Arizona – I kid you not) I was driving towards Peoria Ave., on my way to run west and home. Dorfus comes screaming in from Peoria, all the way in my half of the driveway, and honks at me. I slammed on my brakes. As Dorfus swerved around me (and back to my half of the driveway) he continued to honk and indicate his IQ. I just shook my head and continued on my way.

People are retarded. It’s the only explanation.